THINGS WE SEE IN LAGOS (5)
When ToryTeller asked me to send in my
experience, I thought which one?
Is it one of the three times I nearly lost my
life in the first two months of coming to this city, to the crazy drivers (yup,
even the drivers are not normal, not only the public transport drivers) of this
city?
Or when I got robbed in broad daylight and still
had to show up for work the next day?
Is it the traffic that slowly sucks out my soul,
leaving me so tired that I don’t sleep and wake the next day; I actually die
and resurrect! Yes, it is that bad.
Anyway, I settled for a story that I was sharing
with her. I didn’t finish telling her, so even Tory Teller should grab popcorn
and take a seat.
Do you know that for a city that has a lot of
hustle vibe, they don’t mind their business? Let me explain.
Imagine you are in transit, on your way somewhere
important.
There you are, minding your business and watching
something on your phone. A funny scene comes up and you burst out laughing.
You are enjoying a good PRIVATE laugh when
suddenly you hear, ‘Oga, adjust your
phone, make we see.’ (i.e. Set your phone properly, and let us continue watching) or something
equally audacious ‘Abeg press play, make
we continue that film’ (i.e. Let’s continue the movie we were watching).
We? Us? How?
Ah! Lagos people! You could be in the bus and a
stranger who has irrationally decided to lap six kids suddenly tells you, not asks
oo, this human actually TELLS you to
‘Carry one for me na. Can’t you see I am
struggling?’
Who? Me? Auntie, I don’t know you… or your
kid(s). How can you even trust me? What if I am weird like you? See, it is the
way I am constantly reminded of the audacity it takes to live in this city.
(whispers in family planning)
The other day, I was in transit, using the infamous
yellow coloured buses of L.A, this city called Danfo. The spot I chose was most
preferred for a tall person; plenty of legroom.
This spot also gave an angle that allowed for a
clear view of everyone in the bus.
Gratefully, we were seated in threes due to the
covid protocols. I am sure, that was the first time that the people of this
city had ever experienced sitting that comfortably in all their lives in this
city.
Other occupants included the typical market
women, the hungry passenger that buys everything the street hawkers are
selling, an artisan; the one onboard today was a carpenter. There was also the
elderly man and some young ladies who were getting chummy with the conductor
after a series of insults.
“Baby, baby, let us talk this out. I am-”
“Please, let me just-”
“I am on my way. I am in the bus right now.
Please-”
I watched as he sighed and then finally realizing
that he was in a public transport, he attempted to lower his voice. “Sharon,
please. Don’t be angry. I’ll-”
‘Sharon’ had dropped the call. I could hear the
distinctive high pitch tone that came with a call disconnecting. He stared at
the phone and I thought to myself, at
least you could have put it on speaker so that I can know who to support.
“Ehyah!
So she broke up with you?”
It took me a minute to realize that it wasn’t me
that was being referred to. I looked up and I realized that the whole bus was
looking in the young man’s direction.
“So wetin you go do like this?” The glutton
passenger asked.
“Wetin he wan do? You no see say he dey beg?
Alaye, we move! On to the next one!” The conductor interjected.
“Eh See men! Is that how you will be doing?”
Market woman number one chirps in.
“See, leave them” Market woman number two
replies. “That is how these men are. Small break up and like that, they are
moving on.”
“Every time men this men that!” The carpenter
interjected angrily. “You women have big issues. That is how the other day, my
2nd wife saw me chatting with a friend of mine-”
“Eish! A friend indeed!” Market woman two
countered.
“Issokay. Let him finish na.” Her fellow trades
woman tried to calm her down. “Let us hear the premium zobo he wants to sell to
us.”
The carpenter stared at both women then tapped my
shoulder. “You see how stressful women are. See!”
I only smile a polite smile and try to put some
distance between us. Even I was skeptical about this ‘friend’ of his that he
was referring to.
And besides, a second wife? How? Why? Is it that
these people don’t like living within their means? Or do I lack the ‘abundance
mentality’?
Only God knows. What I know is that some people
need to be introduced to family planning.
“As I was saying. Just like you have jumped to
conclusions, so did she and she came yelling, embarrassing me. Why?”
The conductor grinned and tapped his shoulder,
“Shey she fine sha?”
The man smiled back, my suspicions being
confirmed in the mischievous glint in his eyes as he replied, “Omo, she fine
die. And she sweet.”
The whole bus erupted in different opinions at
that man’s comment; the origin of the conversation was forgotten.
It wasn’t as I was getting down at my bus stop
that I caught a glimpse of the origin of this whole conversation.
LOL, I imagine that I could probably feel his
whole thought process as the bus drove off;
how did I end up having my relationship and its demise being discussed by
strangers?
See eh, in this city that never sleeps, this city filled with the good, the bad, and the criminally insane (let's not forget everything in between), this city called Lagos, the stories will only keep piling up.
My hope is that this city doesn’t end my life before my time.
Written by Adekunle Ijaiya
***
My people, this one off me! How would you feel if your relationship is analyzed in a bus by passengers? I can't even imagine what the guy in question was going through at that moment. You see this city, Lagosians, we belong to everyone and no one! They will never mind their business, everyone is drinking another person's paracetamol!
If you have had a remarkable Lagos experience, please tell us in the comment section. Also, feel free to send in your stories via onyi2udeh@gmail.com. I look forward to hearing from you.
BTW, did you notice anything new about this blog? The first correct answer gets an instant prize!
As always, you know Tory Teller loves you and is rooting for you.
P.S My birthday is in 8 days' time and I have started receiving gifts!
#staysafe
#staypositive
#stayhealthy
#spreadlove
Photo credit: Naijaloaded, Pinterest, Naijauto, Independent Newspapers Nigeria
© Onyinye Udeh
This is really beautiful, well done Ijaiya
ReplyDeleteAwww.
DeleteThank you for stopping by!
Thank you! Glad you enjoyed it!
DeleteStory my life😂😂😂
ReplyDeleteEko Oni Baje o
O baje rara!
DeleteLolz.
Welcome OluwaSeme!
This is one of the reasons I don't pick calls in a public transport and nowadays sef I no dey check my WhatsApp o cos there's always someone behind u reading with you. Lagos is crazy mehn
ReplyDeleteMy dear Jerry, like I stated in the post, you belong to everyone and you belong to no one. That's Lagos for you! lolz. God help us in this our amazing city.
DeleteThanks for stopping by.
Smart move Jerry to avoid community meeting on your matter. Lol.
DeleteAdekunle Ijaiya.
Lolz.
DeleteI can imagine!
Chai! I laughed out so loud when I read the part about "we" and "why are we a we?".
ReplyDeleteSomeone will board a bus with many children and can't even pay for them to sit and lap themselves, na to inconvenience people be their plan and them go still badmouth you if you complain.
Lagos is filled with so many crazy fellows who can carry your matter for free.
You can say that again my dear.
DeleteLagos is overflowing with assorted humans.
Thanks for stopping by my dear Happiness.
Ikrrrrr Happiness. You already feel my pain
DeleteI totally feel your pain oh.
DeleteLagosians are totally different in all ramifications.
Lolz.
DeleteEko oni baje!
This was fun to read.
ReplyDeleteKudos, Ijaiya!
Lol... Thank you
DeleteThanks for stopping by Kemiclassico!
DeleteThe part that got me laughing was the bus conductor holding the door of the bus from hanging or falling off ������.
ReplyDeleteNever gets old...
Well done Sir Ijaiya.
MAI was here.
Lol... It never does. Thanks for stopping by.
DeleteLolz.
DeleteI look forward to the day hanging doors in buses will be a thing of the past.
Thanks for stopping by, Duchess.
Ijaiya my G, you no gist me this one oh...lol
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you are enjoying town.
Now you know.
DeleteThanks for stopping by.
Lol... The gist plenty. Glad to be in town (however fleetingly)
Delete